Testimony of God's Grace in my Life

I was born into a Christian home and at VBS when I was 4 I asked Jesus into my heart. I was so young I am not sure my reasons. I grew up thinking that I was saved because of that prayer. As a child my father was very affectionate to me, but by the age of 11 I was physically mature and that made it awkward for him to show me the affection that every girl needs from her father. At the age of 6 we moved from Maine to Arkansas so that my parents could be missionaries with FamilyLife. This meant that my father would go away 5 days at a time to conferences around the nation about 15 times a year about 8 times a year my mom would join him. I was ok as long as my mom was home with me, but when they both left I could not handle it. I would cry and scream and be physically ill everytime they both left. We went to counselors and no one could figure out why I would act that way. They gave me the opportunity to pick out what friend I would stay with but no one other than my parents would do. I needed the security of one of my parents, they were sure I would grow out of it and by the age of 12 or 13 I no longer cared.
The love I needed from my father I sought out in guys and relationships. There is a hole in all of our hearts that was made for God to fill and our daddy's are our tangible earthly fill for our heart. By the age of 13 I had given my virginity away. I went from one relationship that ended up in heartache to the next, I just knew that there was some guy out there that would give me the love I so desperately desired. I did not know that the love I was looking for was perfected in Jesus. I could find no one else who would love me so purely and fully FOREVER.
My closest friends were the neighborhood kids. This is where I was introduced to drugs. I did not start taking drugs until I was about 12 or 13. I only did them when they were offered until I was able to make money babysitting. I started smoking more often. At the age of 15 I was raped by an ex-boyfriend and his two friends while going to get some drugs. I knew I could not tell my parents so I just hid it inside, my friends encouraged me to get some help and admit that it was not my fault. About two months later I was molested by my best friend's brother's friend. I eventually told her mom and she tried to encourage me to get help but I hid most of the pain. Eventually my parents found out and we went to get counsel. I continued to cope with drugs and began to burn myself and other forms of self-mutilation.
By the time I was 16 I was coming high to school each day. I had already had an acquaintance die but that next May one of my best friend's was killed by a drunk driver. I could not handle it, I would not talk or eat and carried around a picture of her wherever I went. Not only was she killed by a drunk driver but the cop that responded was a friend of the driver that hit them, or something like that, so he did not give him a breathalizer and told people he had a seizure, stroke or sneezed to cause the accident. I felt sorry for him and was very angry when I found out he had been drunk. On the weekends I started taking harder drugs. A month before I turned 17 I broke up with my boyfriend that I had dated on and off, he was so mad that he shot at me. I was scared for my life, I lost touch with reality and became a little nightmare around the house.
One day my sister told my parents that I had been smoking pot, I slept that whole day and tried to avoid my family. I had been going to counseling and that next session I was in a rage. They discussed the possibility of taking me to rehab and I was totally irrational. That night I broke a lamp in anger and tried to beat my dad up over the phone. I had pushed the last button, I knew I was headed to rehab and that I had to get away. I went up to my room pushed out the screen in the window and slid out my two story window. I heard a crack when I landed but was able to pull myself up on our SUV and walk to a hiding place between our neighborhood and the next. I was there about 30 minutes and I got cold and one ankle was swollen but the other looked like a baseball was in my sock. I went home having no where else to go. I hobbled back home in excruciating pain so they could take me to the ER. I knew that meant I would have to go to rehab but I was willing.
Both of my ankles had multiple fractures that did not show up on X-ray so it took about 3-4 months on crutches for them to heal. I was very resistant and lied the first few days in rehab, but then decided I wanted to change. I was there for about a week and left thinking drugs were a part of my past. A couple of weeks later at a Christmas concert I decided I had never been saved at all and wanted to escape hell but I did not want to forsake my sinful ways. I was not truly repentant of my sin. I lived a double life one at church and home and one with my friends. I still could not be totally honest with my parents. By the time I graduated from high school my church attendance dwindled and by the middle of my freshman year in college I did not go at all. By my sophomore year in college I had been through about 5-6 boyfriends and my resolve against ever doing drugs again dissolved. When I turned 20 I decided to smoke a little pot on my birthday. A couple of weeks later I found myself making excuses to smoke more. About a month later I was a full-blown pothead again. I smoked constantly all day long, I did not like being sober.
In March my grandmother died and I was so hurt, she had meant so much to me and was such a godly woman. I withdrew from nursing school because I did not want to deal with death, I was having a hard enough time with it personally. About 3 months after that I was living with my boyfriend and I took some ecstasy a few times. We got along well until about 6 months into dating. He told me he loved me but that he did not want to think about marriage until he was about 25, and he was only 22. I could not understand if he loved me so much why he would not marry me.
This is when I started hearing God calling me. In the beginning of October my mind kept racing, I was worried about school, the future and pretty much everything. I smoked so much and so often that it took a lot of strong weed to even get me high and I wondered if it was even worth it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I could not concentrate in school, I could not sleep at night and I was miserable. I started staying at home more often and mom realized that I was up all night and came in one night as I was crying and rocking myself.
My world was falling apart. I started venting to her, but I was not sure if I wanted to tell her all of what I had been hiding from her. I knew if I wanted to live there it would all have to stop. By the second night I had to get it out and she was not condemning but gently told me it had to stop, for my own good. I continued to go to school but would pace around the house when I got home and could not stop worrying. I did not want to live anymore but I did not want to die either. I knew I could not keep living my life if it were going to be like that.
Mom had planned to go out of town with dad but when she saw how I was she gave it up to stay with me. She knew that was just what I needed she was showing me what Christ had done for us. No one other than Christ has shown that kind of loving sacrifice to me. John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no man than this, that one lay down his life for his friend." Romans 5:7-8 says, "For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
With my mom's help and biblical counsel I withdrew from school and found a full-time job at a day care. I started going back to church and what I was leaning in counseling went along with what we were studying at church, I was amazed. I knew I was not saved and that only God could help me, but I was still in despair. I had hit rock bottom and had to build up from there. Through new friends at the church I was encouraged and one day when I was still unsure about my faith I reiterated that I did not know if I was a believer or not. My friend bluntly asked me what I was waiting for. That night as I went to sleep I prayed and felt like I was talking to God not just talking aloud. I did not pray a certain formula that made me saved I had tried to whole say a prayer thing before, this time it was a heart change a full surrender of my life to Christ to take up my cross and follow him. I knew that God was working in me to make the changes, I could try to do good things but even the best thing I could do would be tainted with sin. I accepted that I was a sinner and could do nothing about it but accept what Christ had done for me and be clothed in His righteousness.
I fell asleep and woke up in peace that morning, my mind was not racing anymore. I truly feel that is when I gave up all my trying and gave my life, my future and all my cares to Christ. Matt 11:29-30 says, "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." I realized even though I had done so many horrible things God took all those things and He put them on His perfect Son and let us kill Him, and along with Him dyign were all my sins, I did not have to be a slave to my sins anymore. I could be free. My life went from despair to complete joy in God. Psalm 32:3-5 is my salvation verse it says, "when I kept silent about my sin my body wasted away, through my groaning all day long. For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me, my vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. I acknowledged my sin to thee and my iniquity I did not hide I said I will confess my transgression to the Lord and Thou didst forgive the guilt of my sin." I confessed all the evil that I had done and He forgave me. I asked Him to change me, after all that time of trying to do it on my own and failing so miserably I gave it all over to Him. God gave me the grace and desire to pursue Him with all my heart. I began to pray a lot and read the Bible everyday. He has given me a passion for Him and totally took away the desire for drugs and relationships and filled that hole in my heart with it's rightful owner, HIM.
My life has not been easy since then, God never promises it will be easy. But rather He promises in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble but take heart! I have overcome the world." Since I was out of school I had to apply for my own health insurance and was declined, but although most of my life I was always sick, I ended up having to go to the doctor only once in the year and a half that I was without insurance. Until my salvation I had suffered from irritable bowel syndrome which is increased by stress once I was saved I was cured. I have not suffered from it since.
That next May my faith was tested, I was falsely accused of hurting one of the children at the day care and was fired. I was so hurt but God gave me the grace and knowledge that this was all in His plan. I found another job at a day care and then in the fall went to finish my Associate's degree.
In the middle of the semester the guy I had been dating and seriously talking about marriage with decided that I was not the one for him and we were not going to work out. I was very hurt but I saw that I had been making him an idol in my life and had been more concerned about our relationship than my relationship with God. I let go and trusted God. We are commanded to give thanks even in our trials and I was thankful for what He was showing me.
I was given a chance to move back to Maine with my parents this January but I prayed hard about it and really felt like I was growing to much spiritually here to just leave. Even though my parents moved back, and this was my first time living alone and by myself, I was not anxious and have not really been lonely either because no matter where I am God is there with me. God had wanted me here because in May my sister left her life of sin and moved in with me. She committed her life to God and we have got along wonderfully since then. Everyday He teaches me more and more about Himself and myself. I no longer want to sin, I want to live for God so that in the end He may say of me well done my good and faithful servant.